TEARFUL ):

there are some things that bother me for quite sometime now. but i never talked about it. because i really dont talk about things that give me serious pain.. its like torturing myself more.

i feel heavy today. not literally, of course (though my weight is one of the many things that i hate talking about). it's as if i have this huge load inside my heart that causes me to breathe heavily from time to time. damn. i hate myself. i hate the girl i see whenever i face the mirror. i hate the pain in her eyes. i hate the way smiles, to try to hide the imperfections in her life. dont get me wrong, im not miserable. i am actually happy and content with my life. but it is inevitable to think about how messed my life is. oh god i cant hold back the tears anymore.

I AM HURT. seriously. for real. this for sure is not PMS. i am not pregnant either. i am hurt and i cant conceal it from the world anymore. and this is not the kind of pain that makes you stronger or the pain that you can show to evryone or share with your closest friends. it is something that i have to carry all alone, something that at the same time i fear and worry about. something caused by the people who matter to me. people who, when talked or asked about, brings tears to my eyes.

i cant go on pretending anymore. my life is something i shouldnt be proud of, something i shouldnt be sharing to anyone.

it has always been uncomfortable for me to talk about the things that give me pain. so excuse me for holding back.

pause.

i prayed, surrendered everything to Him and hoped for the best.

i love you mom and dad. ):