Embrace Change.

We should be grateful for every waking day, for every chance we get to open our eyes because it is another chance we get to spend with the people we love.

But this morning it was different, I know waking up with tears in my eyes is wrong, but I can't help it. I tried to reach for my phone, like I always do whenever I wake up but I realized things are different now, and whether I like it or not, I need to embrace the change that is taking place in my life right now.

Changes.

From time to time I'll have to encounter them. Many times a year. People, they come and go. and when they do, they create an impact in my life. In many ways, they change me. Positively, negatively, unknowingly, they change me. There are changes that you dont really feel, you just wake up one day and find out your life was changed.

While there are changes that you really feel deep in your soul, in your heart, in your body, and sometimes, these kind of transformation comes with pain. And pain is something that is felt more, than happiness. I feel it linger, in my heart it is there. In my heart there is chaos. Just like a freshly wounded knee, it is bleeding, and throbbing. It makes me scared. In ways I dont understand, they fear the hell out of me. Just when i started to create future plans, just when i thought everything will be okay, and everything will go smoothly, just when i started to DREAM BIG, things have gone out of the way.

I trust in God's plan for me. I know there is a reason behind all these, there is a reason why in the middle of dreaming big things, my life had taken a sudden turn. No one can resist change. I cant dream and yet prevent my dream from changing me. If i dream big then I should embrace big changes. It might be difficult at first, but its much more better, than to give up my dream and stay where I am.

Love, This is a risk. but it will transform us in ways that is best for us. I will take this risk. I will be comfortable in chaos. My essence is not my form. When you know who you really are, what you really want, you can be comfortable amidst chaos. When in doubt, I'll keep my faith. Only love can change us. and it is my dream of love that will push me to grow.

Thank you Lord. Please guide me.

Why do I love him??

Why do I love him?


Tough question. I don't even know how or where to begin. I'm not sure if I could possibly find the right words to express what or how much I feel for him, let alone explain why I love him. I don't believe the English language has all the words I would need.


Why do I love him?

I guess I just do. I love him just because. I love him just because that's the most natural and possible thing to do.


I love him.

I love him because he's the most incredible, wonderful, amazing and fantastic guy I have ever known in my entire life. I love him because he's sweet, charming, smart, witty, and has a great sense of humor. I love him because he's so cool he's hot.


I love him because he makes me smile. I love him because he makes me laugh. I love him because he makes me happy. I love him because he's the one and only guy who has ever made it through my wall and seen right through my mask. I love him because he accepts the real me, imperfections and all, and still appreciates me for who I am.


I love him for being my friend. I love him because I could be whatever I want to be in front of him. I love him because we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.
I love him because I feel safe when I am with him. I love him because we are comfortable with each other. I love him for giving me a helping hand when I had to pick myself up, but couldn't. I love him for offering his shoulder for me to lean on to when I had to be strong, but wasn't.


I love him for telling me not to drink too much alcohol. I love him for telling me not to stay up too late at night because it wasn't good for my health. I love him for texting and sending me sweet and mushy messages. I love him for those times when he would call or text me just when I was thinking of calling or texting him, when I was feeling down, or when I was missing him, like he has gone psychic all of a sudden.


I love him for the kilig moments we had. I love him for always making me feel better, about myself and life in general. I love him for making me feel special. I love him for making me feel loved. But most of all, I love him for making me feel. I love him for making me realize that I am capable of feeling this way and this much for someone. I love him for making me feel alive.
So, why do I love him?

I love him because he's all of these and more. So much more. I love him because he's everything.. He's everything... My everything...

TEARFUL ):

there are some things that bother me for quite sometime now. but i never talked about it. because i really dont talk about things that give me serious pain.. its like torturing myself more.

i feel heavy today. not literally, of course (though my weight is one of the many things that i hate talking about). it's as if i have this huge load inside my heart that causes me to breathe heavily from time to time. damn. i hate myself. i hate the girl i see whenever i face the mirror. i hate the pain in her eyes. i hate the way smiles, to try to hide the imperfections in her life. dont get me wrong, im not miserable. i am actually happy and content with my life. but it is inevitable to think about how messed my life is. oh god i cant hold back the tears anymore.

I AM HURT. seriously. for real. this for sure is not PMS. i am not pregnant either. i am hurt and i cant conceal it from the world anymore. and this is not the kind of pain that makes you stronger or the pain that you can show to evryone or share with your closest friends. it is something that i have to carry all alone, something that at the same time i fear and worry about. something caused by the people who matter to me. people who, when talked or asked about, brings tears to my eyes.

i cant go on pretending anymore. my life is something i shouldnt be proud of, something i shouldnt be sharing to anyone.

it has always been uncomfortable for me to talk about the things that give me pain. so excuse me for holding back.

pause.

i prayed, surrendered everything to Him and hoped for the best.

i love you mom and dad. ):

F O R E M O S T

"Every choice you make when you're lost, Every step you take has it's cause.."

... I have no idea about what to write in my first blog entry, until i finished downloading this meaningful song from MLTR (while watching Lovers in Paris). Suddenly, everything that happened in my life these past few months came rushing in. i was reminded of the tears and the pain, then eventually the joy and the smiles that came after... i've always believed that everything happens for a reason, and back then, i was willing to wait, no matter how long, for the answers. i never thought that God would give me the answers that fast!!!!! (:

"After you clear your eyes, you'll see the light somewhere in the darkness..

After the rain has gone, you'll feel the sun comes..

and though it seems your sorrow never ends,

someday its gonna make sense..."

I dont want to define anymore how dark my life used to be, and how lonely i used to feel. Ive left them all behind. what matters is that everything's making sense now. i've moved on and recovered. and if i have to do it all over again, to end up in where i am right now, i'll do it again with all my heart, because all the tears and the pain and the waiting are all worth it...

"after the rain has gone you feel the sun comes

and though it seems your sorrow never ends,

someday it's gonna make sense.."

Someday is already here. that Someday is Now. (:

"Kahit gaano ka pa kaperpekto, kung hindi ka mahal, hindi ka talaga mahal."

-this line I got from Lovers in Paris. Sensible it is. (:

xoxo,

B.